FROM THE DESK OF MICHAEL BLOOMBERGTo: Staff
MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY
EMPEROR OF ALL THE EYES CAN SEE
(when on a step-ladder)
From: Emperor Bloomberg
We have decided to add additional regulation once the 16+ ounce ban is approved (and trust me, it WILL be approved). Below is a list of the items needing regulation. We wish you to begin work on the formal language and get back to us by next week.
New Regulations:
- Running with scissors will now be punishable with hard prison time.
- As the newly appointed director of environmental protection, Sheryl Crow will have "police powers" to regulate the use of toilet tissue. Anybody using more than one square at-a-time will be prevented from making purchases of toilet paper for a period of no more than one year. Families that re-use their paper will get a break on property taxes.
- Ms Crow will have the power to break into your home and examine the toilet contents before they are flushed.
- Any coffee or other hot beverage (decaf of course) must be consumed in a cup holding no more than 10 ounces. The cup must be brought to one's mouth via the right hand, with the outside digit on that hand extended outwards.
- It is our order that fans of the NY Football Giants who live within the NY City limits will no longer be able to paint their faces and bodies blue--heck, we saw what happened to the lady painted gold in the James Bond movie Goldfinger.
- Fans of the NY Jets will still be allowed to paint themselves green as they are promoting the correct environmental policies.
- All Manhattan roads will be forever closed to traffic with the exception of 34th, 59th and 125th streets as they exit the Midtown Tunnel, Ed Koch Queensboro Bridge (a.k.a the 59th St. Bridge) and the Triborough Bridge [that last bridge is now called the Robert F. Kennedy Bridge, which is a bit ironic when you note that Kennedy's younger brother had a famous difficulty with driving over bridges.]There will be no stopping or parking on those streets as drivers will only be allowed to go from Queens to New Jersey and back (for those of you who have never been to NYC, Queens is the borough with tons of cemeteries and a dead baseball team).
- Economically disadvantaged people with squeegees will be allowed to wait on the Manhattan side of the above river crossings as well as the Lincoln and Holland tunnels. They will be allowed push drivers into allowing the "cleaning" of their windshields as long as their squeegees are sterilized each evening with distilled water.
- All Bars, Pubs and Taverns operating within the city limits must display a large banner with the following words. “In case of bar fight, PLEASE, no hitting near the mouth. Your mother paid a lot for the orthodontic work!”
- Stores selling meats will no longer be allowed to sell packages of chicken with only white meat breasts or dark meat wings. We want to ensure that this city remains diverse and inclusive.
- When the temperature falls below 50 degrees, all buses, trains and taxis operating in the city are prohibited from allowing people to board their vehicles if they are not wearing the proper hat and overcoat. Instead they will be sent home for the proper attire. Umbrellas and galoshes will be required on rainy days. Otherwise those people will catch a cold and/or flu, infecting the entire vehicle and driving up medical costs across the city.
So may it be written, so it may be done!
- Abortion because of gender selection is allowed in our city. There is nothing worse than trampling on women's rights by barring them from killing female fetuses.
-From The Office Of The Royal We
Tags: humor, satire, The Looking Spoon, Yid With Lid, Soda Jerk, Michael Bloomberg, rules, To share or post to your site, click on "Post Link". Please mention / link to the ARRA News Service. Thanks!
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